December 2015 – Shards

6th December 2015

Today I took another step on my journey to letting go…we found a Christmas tree at a car boot sale…and so when home we unpacked the decorations from the loft – and I made a decision that given my 4-year-old’s need to be independent, and who finds it hard to wait, or listen when excited; that it would be unwise to unpack the antique glass,and even more precious – family glass baubles…my sister and I split them when my Mum and Dad died, each choosing one or two of our childhood favourites and then splitting the rest to pass on to our own children eventually.

As she was ensconced in putting lights on the tree, I took myself to the kitchen to re-pack the baubles as I had found their proper and more protective original boxes, but suddenly needed to run upstairs to get the box and go quickly to the loo…

‘You idiot’ I thought as I sat on the loo – you have just left all the baubles on the side,and if she breaks them – it will be your fault for leaving them out. It is too much to expect to a child to leave them alone if she sees them…there was one bauble in particular that I did not want to lose. Then I found myself having thoughts about being too attached to things, things being too symbolic and about the loss and pain of family in all senses.

I came back down and they were safe where I left them, and so I set about bubble-wrapping. So worried about this one special one was I, that I took it to re-pack even MORE safely, and then watched in slow motion as it rolled off the side, bounced once, and then smashed before my eyes…

The floodgates open as I sobbed and sobbed…Christmas, death, loss, money, stories of the past, childhood, family, expectations,pressure, nostalgia, not being able to make anyone’s life better, grief, sorrow…the lot, from FOREVER…and as I sobbed, I heard my voice tell my Love that I had made that happen – I had set it up for myself – sitting on the toilet -to learn – and it hurt…so I let my witchy wild self out – I burned my sage over the broken glass, and I cried, and I let it go – then I cut the ties – and set myself free..again…and I suppose this will happen over and over…but the past is just that…the time is NOW

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