A festival once-upon-time would’ve seen me limping around today having peaked too early last night. Hiding behind a large bottle of rum, I would’ve hedonistically staggered around making friends with strangers and enjoying the freedom of being totally smashed.
When we heard that we were bringing the Wild Chocolate Club to the Om and Bass festival in Oxfordshire I was ecstatic (Heh heh!). However, my boy had to work a night shift on the first night so this meant coming for one night only to cover childcare as I couldn’t leave my kid alone whilst I was dancing.
Last night I started to falter… What’s the point of all that hassle for one night? I don’t want to do my back in… I have so much to do… as I began to question all this stalling I realised it was deeper than this… “I’ll be the fattest woman there”… bingo… shame… I spotted you.
Rather than stopping there, I realised this is an old story. A cover up.
“I don’t belong there, I’m not (insert any word of doubt or fear here) enough”
I suppose by now you must have seen some of these viral videos about accomplished fat dancers or Yogis? Brave women (often) who won’t let either their own or others’ fat shaming stop them being seen. I realised that my discomfort was about making this public appearance without my old friend alcohol at a festival and about fearing that I am not enough without making myself into the cliche larger than life.
So, this is a bit like entering the Dance for the first time. Turning up at the Wild Chocolate Club to dance sober.
I’m writing from the festival car park look…
But I’m going to go in… to be exactly as I am and trust that it’s more than enough. Because I refuse to let fear and shame run my life and that is the old story…
Dance with me? Until then I will dance for ALL of us because I believe that dancing sets us free..
The Wild Chocolate Club is closing the Om and Bass Festie tomorrow at 5pm